Everyday life can be quite hectic and stressful. So, you
need to find ways to relieve that stress and feel nice. In fact, introducing
humor into your life means that you’ll find it easier to deal with things.
Moreover, humor, such as funny quotes, can help you socialize easier and are an
excellent conversation starter.
Thus, whether you want to break the ice with new people
or are just looking for ways to reduce stress, check the following funny quotes
which will make you roll on the floor laughing. We guarantee that these are the
best funny quotes which will put a smile on your face and boost your
mood.
125+[Best] Funny Quotes Which Will Make You Roll on the Floor Laughing |
funny quotes
and sayings:
➤ ‘If
you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with
herpes.’
➤ ‘Be
thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.’
➤ ‘When
I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to
believe it.’
➤ ‘Some
people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.’
➤ ‘A
stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I
told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’‘
➤ ‘I’m
sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.’
➤ ‘They
say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.’
➤ ‘Everyday,
thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Help end the violence.
Eat Bacon.’
➤ ‘I’m
too drunk to taste this chicken.’
➤ ‘Talkers
are usually more articulate than doers since talk is their specialty.’
➤ ‘First
God created man, then he had a better idea …’
➤ ‘A
study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than
men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’‘
➤ ‘I
just cleaned everything from top to bottom, so now I’m gonna need everyone to
stop living here.’
➤ ‘Starbucks
says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first
one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’’
➤ ‘I
believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to
find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.’
➤ ‘Laughing
at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can
shorten it.’
very short
funny quotes about life | funny quotes by famous people
➤ ‘Do not take life too seriously. You will
never get out of it alive.’
➤ ‘If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you
dead already?’
➤ ‘I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all
I could think was ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.’
➤ ‘If you think you are too small to make a
difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.’
➤ ‘A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.’
➤ ‘Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried
about yesterday.’
➤ ‘War is God’s way of teaching Americans
geography.’
➤ ‘Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the
only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and
kill you too.’
➤ ‘It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.’
➤ ‘You can’t cross the sea merely by standing
and staring at the water.’
➤ ‘I want my children to have all the things I
couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.’
➤ ‘I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a
Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.’
➤ ‘My favorite exercise is a cross between a
lunge and a crunch … I call it lunch.’
➤ ‘My opinions may have changed, but not the
fact that I’m right.’
➤ ‘It sure is strange that after Tuesday the
rest of the week spells WTF.’
➤ ‘To be sure of hitting the target, shoot
first, and call whatever you hit the target.’ ‘It would be nice to spend
billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed
for political ads.’
➤ ‘I am not lazy I am on energy saving mode.’
➤ ‘I will not let anyone walk through my mind
with their dirty feet.’
➤ ‘The average dog is a nicer person than the
average person.’
➤ ‘I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m
not too sure.’
➤ ‘At every party, there are two kinds of people
– those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are
usually married to each other.’
➤ ‘Wine is constant proof that God loves us and
loves to see us happy.’
➤ ‘Farts are like children, I’m proud of mine
and disgusted by yours.’
➤ ‘Have you noticed that all the people in favor
of birth control are already born?’
➤ ‘You know the funny thing, I don’t get along
with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better
than I get along with the rich people.’
➤ ‘Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his
shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!’
funny quotes about life and love
| funny quotes about life in general
➤ ‘The chief function of the body is to carry
the brain around.’
➤ ‘I can be dramatic. I can be funny. I can be
sexy. I can be sad. I can be glad.’
➤ ‘Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian
any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.’
➤ ‘I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness
so I don’t intimidate you.’
➤ ‘If you’re going to tell people the truth, be
funny or they’ll kill you.’
➤ ‘A business like an automobile, has to be
driven, in order to get results.’
➤ ‘A balanced diet means a cupcake in each
hand.’
➤ ‘A bank is a place that will lend you money if
you can prove that you don’t need it.’
➤ ‘From there to here, and here to there, funny
things are everywhere.’
➤ ‘Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling
to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.’
➤ ‘You call it ‘nagging’. I call it, ‘Listen to
what I f**king said the first time.’
➤ ‘It is better to live one day as a lion than
100 years as a sheep.’
➤ ‘We never really grow up, we only learn how to
act in public.’
➤ ‘Every cloud has its silver lining but it is
sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.’
➤ ‘As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two
choices: take it or leave it.’
➤ ‘Yes, I know there is a really special place
in Hell for me. It is called the throne.’
➤ ‘But the fact that some geniuses were laughed
at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at
Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
also laughed at Bozo the Clown.’
➤ ‘Education is learning what you didn’t even
know you didn’t know.’
➤ ‘Life Status: currently holding it all
together with one bobby pin.’
➤ ‘If you are the smartest person in the room,
then you are in the wrong room.’
➤ ‘It is a scientific fact that your body will
not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.’
➤ ‘The lion shall lie down with the calf, but
the calf won’t get much sleep.’
➤ ‘Always be yourself, unless you can be Beyonce
then always be Beyonce.’
➤ ‘Never under any circumstances take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.’
➤ ‘I walk around like everything is fine, but
deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.’
➤ ‘I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling
out of my glass.’
funny quotes
with pictures | funny quotes about school
➤ ‘Never do the same mistake twice. Unless he’s
hot.’
➤ ‘My favorite machine at the gym is the vending
machine.’
➤ ‘I am not an early bird or night owl. I am
some form of a permanently exhausted pigeon.’
➤ ‘All right everyone, line up alphabetically
according to your height.’
➤ ‘Life is short. Smile while you still have
teeth.’
➤ ‘My definition of an intellectual is someone
who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone
Ranger.’
➤ ‘He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.’
➤ ‘Be who you are and say what you feel, because
those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.’
➤ ‘If you want your children to listen, try
talking softly to someone else.’
➤ ‘When life shuts a door … open it again. It’s
a door. That’s how they work.’
➤ ‘It’s a beautiful day, I think I’ll skip my
meds and stir things up a bit.’
➤ ‘If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care
about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence
from it.’
➤ ‘The world is full of magical things patiently
waiting for our wits to grow sharper.’
➤ ‘The more you weigh, the harder you are to
kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.’
➤ ‘A good laugh and a long sleep are the best
cures in the doctor’s book.’
➤ ‘Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day
seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment.’
➤ ‘I thought I was in a bad mood but it’s been a
few years so I guess this is who I am now.’
➤ ‘Everything that used to be a sin is now a
disease.’
➤ ‘There cannot be a crisis next week. My
schedule is already full.’
➤ ‘I asked God for a bike, but I know God
doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.’
➤ ‘I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I
didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.’
➤ ‘Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m
eating tacos. Follow your dreams.’
➤ ‘Leave something for someone but don’t leave
someone for something.’
funny
inspirational life quotes | funny motivational quotes of the day
➤ ‘It’s that time of year where girls look
really cute and fashionable in their flannel and I look like I’ve misplaced my
ax.’
➤ ‘I am thankful for laughter, except when milk
comes out of my nose.’
➤ ‘Never go to a doctor whose office plants have
died.’
➤ ‘I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday
somewhere.’
➤ ‘I was eating in a Chinese restaurant
downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and
eggs. And I said I gotta use that one.’
➤ ‘Never have more children than you have car
windows.’
➤ ‘You smell like hidden motives, get away from
me.’
➤ ‘I drink to make other people more
interesting.’
➤ ‘You can’t shine like a diamond if you not
willing to get cut like a diamond!’
➤ ‘I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all
know I’m hilarious.’
➤ ‘Great art is the contempt of a great man for
small art.’
➤ ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T.
had an alien living in her house for days and she never even noticed.’
➤ ‘You’re only as good as your last haircut.’
➤ ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to
see what the army does with those wee red knives.’
➤ ‘Many people lose their tempers merely from
seeing you keep yours.’
Give me your favorite short funny quotes in a comment!
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